What is Demand Avoidance? | Overcoming Demand Avoidance as an ADHD Mom and Business Owner
When I saw one of my doctors in July, she told me I needed to schedule some bloodwork before I came back in October. She said she would have her office call me to schedule.
And they did. The very next day. But they left a voicemail.
Which meant it was now up to me to call them back to schedule.
Did I mention this was in July? And we are now, as of the writing of this blog, in October.
And I am happy to report that I did finally call them back. Yesterday.
Because my appointment is next week.
If you’re an ADHD mom like me who’s experienced resistance to tasks from brushing your teeth or taking a shower to paying your taxes or making doctor’s appointments, there’s a very good chance you’re experiencing demand avoidance.
So let’s take a little time today to discuss what demand avoidance is, how it differs from procrastination, and some strategies you can put in place to start reducing the friction you may have to starting tasks.
What is Demand Avoidance?
Because neuroscience is learning so much so quickly and with all the new terminology thrown our way, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish between what is a diagnosis, what is a symptom, and what is a behavior.
I wanted to start by defining some terms you may run across when it comes to demand avoidance to help you wade through all the information.
To start, you may have heard the term pathological demand avoidance or PDA. This is often linked to an autism diagnosis and involves an intense, uncontrollable need to avoid everyday demands.
PDA is rooted in a need to have control of a situation or demand. There are actually several autism support websites that refer to it as a “persistent drive for autonomy”.
This is a great way to differentiate it from the demand avoidance typically experienced by ADHDers that we are discussing today which characterized by a strong resistance to perceived demands.
An ADHDers demand avoidance is less about asserting autonomy and control like it is with PDA and more about avoiding the demands placed on us by ourselves or others.
Demand Avoidance Symptoms
The demand avoidance symptoms we experience are likely the result of positively valenced cognitive avoidance or avoiding external expectations due to our executive function struggles as opposed to a need to assert our control in a situation.
The positively valenced cognitive avoidance cycle looks like deciding to avoid a task then sending ourselves positive messages like “It’s ok to deal with it later” or “It’s no big deal if I don’t do it right now” to distract from or justify resisting the task or demand.
The problem is that this positive message about NOT doing the thing creates positive feedback and neural pathways in your brain around the action of avoiding tasks or demands. Which can make it harder to take action in the future because the positive messaging we’ve created around NOT doing the thing.
When it comes to executive function, we may resist starting a task because we struggle with the task initiation executive functions of planning or organization.
We avoid tasks we perceive as stress inducing or that we fear we may fail because of our struggles with the executive function of emotional regulation.
We steer clear of commitments that feel like they will overload our overworked brains due to the required executive function of focus.
Even struggling to take a shower, change your clothes, or brush your teeth can be seen as a demand avoidance symptom due to resistance to expectations and lack of available executive function for motivation and task initiation.
Demand Avoidance vs Procrastination
Now you may be thinking, well demand avoidance just sounds like procrastination to me.
And you’re not wrong.
But it is important to distinguish the difference between demand avoidance and procrastination because the strategies you’ll need to overcome what’s holding you back will differ slightly.
Procrastination is task specific and typically shows up due to low motivation or interest in that specific task.
Demand avoidance is a persistent pattern of avoiding demands or requests in general, whether from others or from yourself.
Procrastination happens when you aren’t interested in doing something so you consciously choose to do something else.
Demand avoidance may happen when you actually want to do something but feel the internal need to resist.
Procrastination typically stems from a lack of motivation, making it easier for you to say no to tasks that don’t pique your interest.
Demand avoidance typically stems from emotional dysregulation and sensitivity to stress making it easier for you to say no in order to avoid negative feelings.
And this is isn’t necessarily an either or situation for those of us with ADHD. Some days we may struggle due to lack of interest and procrastination. Some days we may struggle due to fear of failure and demand avoidance.
Which is why it is important to have a toolbox full of coping strategies to help manage your ADHD mom life.
Overcoming Demand Avoidance
To wrap up our discussion, let’s review some strategies to put in your toolbox for overcoming demand avoidance as an ADHD mom and business owner.
Let me start by saying that undoing habits and implementing new behaviors may take a bit of time. And I know from my own personal experience that us ADHDers don’t like when it takes time to see results.
Demand Avoidance Strategy: Celebrate All Progress
Which is why my first tip for learning to overcome demand avoidance is to recognize and celebrate the times when you are able to get your executive function in gear and do the thing you’re avoiding.
Celebrating these small victories creates and reinforces positive neural pathways that can help with motivating you in the future.
Your brain will be like “hey, I like the way we feel when we do things even when we don’t want to. Let’s do this so I can get that feeling.”
Demand Avoidance Strategy: Reframe Demands as Choices
A subtle shift in the way you talk to yourself about what you feel like you need to or have to do can impact your resistance to starting or working on that task.
Instead of thinking “I have to pay my bills”, reframe as “I have to pay bills, wash dishes, and send an email to my kid’s teacher. Which one should I start with?”
Or if you’re like me and you’re the parent of a child with ADHD who struggles with demand avoidance, instead of saying “you need to do your homework” you might reframe with “Would you like to do your math homework right after school or after soccer practice.”
You’re giving them the “choice” of WHEN to do their homework but not IF they do it.
With time and practice, you may be able to reduce your resistance to “I need to do this certain thing at a specific time” by thinking “Here are the things I need to do, which one should I start with or which one sounds most interesting.”
And if you’re still struggling to start after reframing, try using
Demand Avoidance Strategy: If-Then Strategies
In general, an if-then strategy involves making a deal with yourself.
“If I do/feel X, then I will Y.”
“If I am resisting paying bills, then I will at least pay the one that is due soonest.”
“If I am resisting folding laundry, then I will turn on my favorite podcast and work during one episode.”
Knowing there is hard out or endpoint can help you get over your task initiation hurdle because your brain knows there is a) an fixed point where you can call the task “done” and b) you’ll get a sweet dopamine reward for finishing a task.
Demand Avoidance Strategy: DIFF It
In a similar vein, using a technique I call “DIFF It” can also be helpful when dealing with demand avoidance.
DIFF stands for Do It For Five Minutes.
And just like the acronym suggests, when you’re struggling to start a task, set a timer to work on it for 5 minutes.
Sometimes, it can help get the ball rolling so you can find a flow.
Other times, you might stop after the 5 minutes. But hey, at least you’ve made some progress.
And some progress is better than no progress.
Demand Avoidance Strategy: Reduce Anxiety
And finally, it’s important to reduce your overall anxiety if you’re looking to overcome persistent demand avoidance.
The cycle of demand avoidance is often triggered by the anxiety we feel about the task at hand.
Maybe we’ve put the thing off for so long that it feels like it will take forever or we’re embarrassed that we haven’t done it. Or maybe we feel overwhelmed by all of the things that are piling up and just want to curl up under the covers and continue to do nothing.
This avoidance can lead to the positively valanced cognitive avoidance cycle we discussed earlier where we experience short term relief by avoiding a task, only to have the task rear it’s ugly little head again down the road and start the anxiety loop all over again.
And if you’re an anxious person by nature, this cycle will only compound your feelings.
Which is why finding ways to reduce anxiety in your overall life may help you have some energy left in the tank to get over your motivational hurdles and start a task when you’re not feeling it.
Things like getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, getting regular movement or exercise, and developing mindfulness practices like meditation, breathwork, journaling, or showing gratitude can go a long way in reducing your anxiety to benefit your overall life and outlook.
As someone who struggles with anxiety, I know what’s it like to think “easy for you to say. Just reduce anxiety”.
But the good thing is, there is no real down side to trying anxiety reducing techniques like getting enough sleep, eating better, exercising, and mindfulness practices. So even if you don’t see immediate results in terms of your demand avoidance, you will likely feel better in general if you start to incorporate these habits into your life.
Hopefully you’ve found some helpful nuggets to get you going when your brain is resisting. And if you think you may need some additional support, I’d love to help.
Click on the link below to schedule a free, no-obligation call with me to discuss your business, your family, your challenges and your goals to see how I may be able to support you.
