ADHD and RSD During the Holidays | How ADHD Moms Can Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
With gift giving, family gatherings, and social pressures during the holiday season, it’s no wonder many of us ADHD moms struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria this time of year.
So if you catch yourself ruminating over a comment your auntie made or second guessing a gift you gave because it didn’t get the reaction you expected, keep reading.
We’ll discuss what RSD is, what might trigger it for us ADHD moms during the holiday season, and some coping strategies to employ if we catch ourselves spiraling.
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) was one of those “a-ha” moments when I started deep diving ADHD symptoms and behaviors after my diagnosis. Learning about RSD helped me understand why I had felt the way I felt and behaved the way I behaved for so long.
If you’re unfamiliar with RSD, it’s an intense emotional pain and reaction many ADHDers experience in response to perceived criticism, rejection, or failure which often feels completely devastating or unbearable.
In fact, the word dysphoria in rejection sensitive dysphoria comes from an ancient Greek word meaning something is strongly uncomfortable or difficult to bear.
And while I am sure there are plenty of instances where the neurotypical population experiences a deep, uncomfortable emotional pain when it comes to receiving criticism or thinking they’re failed, those of us with ADHD feel those feelings deeper and typically for a longer time than our neurotypical counterparts.
And why are we feeling those feels so much more deeply?
What Causes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Well, as with many things ADHD, it comes down to executive function. The executive function of emotional regulation to be exact.
When our emotions spike due to feeling rejected or criticized or thinking we’ve failed, it can be much harder for us to regulate our emotions. Especially if our dopamine levels are low.
And just a quick refresher on dopamine and executive function…dopamine is a neurotransmitter or chemical messenger between brain cells.
While dopamine carries messages to many different parts of the brain, when it comes to ADHD, we’re most interested in the messages and activity it inspires in the prefrontal cortex. Because that is where executive function happens.
Now, when dopamine levels are low or slower to uptake, our executive function is a bit behind the 8 ball. Meaning it is harder for us to focus, start tasks, organize or plan, and control our emotions.
Meanwhile, we’ve got this other part of the brain called the limbic system, whose key function is regulating emotions and behaviors.
And a main component of the limbic system is the amygdala, which is responsible for the “fight or flight” reflex we feel in stressful situations.
When our emotions are activated by something like heightened social expectations, exclusion from a group or a less than ideal interaction with a friend, family member or random stranger, both our limbic system and prefrontal cortex kick into gear.
But…if our prefrontal cortex is under-dopamined, there’s a very good chance that our limbic system and stress response will take over. This amygdala hijack can lead to overreaction, poor decision making, and a variety of mental health issues like increased depression and anxiety.
And the holidays with more social interactions, gift giving expectations, and family meetups with that auntie who always has something to criticize, our RSD can kick into overdrive.
How to Deal with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
This year, instead of spiraling and ruminating on situations or conversations for far too long, let’s figure out some ways to either cope with or anticipate our perceived rejection so we can limit the impact it makes on our day to day life.
How to Manage RSD During the Holidays: Reevaluate and Reframe
Let’s start by going back to that discussion of the limbic system vs pre-frontal cortex.
And as with so many ADHD coping skills, the better awareness you can create around your behavior, the more likelihood you have to employ a skill to change it.
There may be a point when your brain is spinning that the thought “I don’t understand why I’m reacting to this situation so strongly” crosses your mind.
This is because your limbic system message won out over your pre-frontal cortex trying to say “It’s going to be ok. I’ve gone through negativity or criticism before.”
But if we can take that awareness around our emotional brain overpowering our thinking brain and consciously think “It’s going to be ok. I’ve gone through negativity or criticism before”, we can slow down or stop the spiral before it gets going.
Come up with your own mantra to repeat to help get your thinking brain involved.
Put it on a small piece of paper and stick it in your pocket. Make it the lockscreen on your phone. Record it as a voice memo and listen to it when you’re feeling activated.
The goal is to help reduce your emotional brain’s hold over you so you can get your pre-frontal cortex and emotional regulation involved.
And just a heads up, especially if you’re like me and it took 40 years for you to realize that no everyone dealt with negativity and criticism this way, it can take time for you to rewire your reactions. It doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means to stick with if you’re not seeing the exact results you want right away.
Which means you may need some tools in your toolbox like our next tactic…
How to Manage RSD During the Holidays: Make Some Space
If there was a tornado warning, you would do what you needed to do to protect yourself from everything whirling around so you would experience as little damage as possible.
And when your emotions warn that they’re whirling around, creating some distance and protecting yourself can help you reduce possible damage.
You may need to create…
1. Space from the trigger
If you notice a tingling in your chest or your emotions bubbling up, try not to respond right away to the trigger. If possible, excuse yourself and take some time cool off or wind down. Or if it’s something online, put the phone down so you don’t text something or make a comment you’ll regret.
2. Space from the thought
This is another way to bring your thinking brain into the equation. Try to refocus on something positive. Call a friend whose voice cheers you up. Get a hug from one of your kids or your spouse. Take a walk and notice the decorations or landscaping in the neighborhood. Give your brain something different and positive to focus on.
3. Protect the space you need
There may be times when you can stop the spiral before it starts by saying “no” if you feel an event may be overwhelming or triggering.
Or if you feel like you absolutely need to attend, give yourself permission to set a boundary to protect yourself from triggering discussions. It can be helpful to prepare your boundary protecting answer in advance like “I am choosing to focus on celebrating the holiday right now instead of discussing (ADHD, politics, my relationship status, religion, child rearing)”
And my final tactic to help you cope with RSD this holiday season is to…
How to Manage RSD During the Holidays: Reduce and Refuel
Sensory overload and overstimulation can wreak havoc on your dopamine reserves and executive function.
And what is the holiday season if not 2 months of sensory overload and overstimulation.
Which is why reducing your exposure to overstimulation can help with reducing your emotional response.
There are bound to be triggering events you just can’t say no to. So help protect yourself by evaluating other commitments so you can keep as much in the tank as possible.
Along with reducing dopamine-sapping activities and events, you can carve out specific time to recharge by doing something just for you.
Whether it’s short little spurts of self care each day or scheduled time each week for something you love, it is important for you to take care of you so you can take care of literally everything else.
And if you still find yourself struggling to juggle all the things life throws at you as an ADHD mom and business owner, I’m here to support you. Click the button below to schedule your free, no-obligation clarity call to discuss your challenges and how I can support you to see the success you know is possible!
